It can
be hard to know how to set boundaries, let alone maintain a boundary with a
friend, family member or colleague. Try these tips.
Refusing to accept certain behaviours is an act of self-love,
but it’s also perfectly possible to communicate your needs with kindness and
compassion. Heidi Scrimgeour explains how to set boundaries with people who are
close to you.
Lately, social media is awash with assertive reminders that
it’s ok to set boundaries with people, or even to unapologetically walk away
from anyone who disrespects your boundaries. But in practice, it can be hard to
know how to set boundaries, let alone maintain a boundary with a friend, family
member or colleague.
After all, do you need to verbalise a boundary or do unspoken
ones count? How do you let someone know that they’ve breached a boundary –
without sounding like a dictator? And what about when someone breezily claims
they’re setting a boundary but it looks more like justifying unkind behaviour?
‘The word “boundary” almost
implies putting a protective barrier between yourself and others,’ agrees
women’s empowerment coach, Katie Philips. ‘It has a defensive energy and I
think a lot of people mis-use boundaries as a way to push others away. In fact,
setting a boundary is less about shutting others out and more about knowing
what you need and loving yourself enough to ask for support in receiving that.’
Recently, I found myself having to become an expert on the topic
and spelling out boundaries in two different sets of close relationships. Other
people’s actions had disrupted my wellbeing in profound ways and I realised I
had to communicate that I was not willing to accept certain behaviours.
I
was surprised by how uncomfortable I felt about speaking up for myself, but
also relieved at how smoothly the conversations went. My needs were
acknowledged, both people were apologetic about the damage done, and we moved
forward with bonds restored. But it’s not always so straightforward. Here are 8
things it helps to know about setting and maintaining boundaries.
1.
BOUNDARIES REQUIRE KNOWING WHAT
YOU NEED
The first step towards setting a
boundary is usually reconnecting with yourself. ‘The invitation to put a
boundary in place implies you know what you need and want; the boundary ring
fences the time and space for you to receive that,’ says Katie Phillips. ‘But
so many women are in the habit of taking care of others to the extent that they
are disconnected from their own wants and needs. Often, just the thought of
connecting with their own desires sparks guilt. ‘Who am I to have what I want’
or ‘It’s selfish to put myself first’ are common thoughts I hear from women I
work with.’
Katie recommends a daily
practice to begin building the muscle of knowing yourself. Every morning, check
in with how you feel and what you need. ‘The answer could be very practical –
like hiring an accountant to help with your taxes to reduce your worry and
overwhelm – or it could be a self-care practice – like an early night or a
massage to combat exhaustion,’ Katie explains. ‘If an early night is required,
the boundary might be letting your family know that you would like their help
with clearing up dinner so that you can take a bath and go to bed earlier.’
2. BOUNDARIES ARE LOVING, NOT
PUNITIVE
Another way to look at the word
‘boundary’ is to consider it as a ‘fiercely loving’ way to ring fence what you
need according to Katie. ‘For example, a boundary could be blocking time in
your diary every morning from 7:30 – 08:00 to stretch or from 12:00 – 13:00 for
a walk at lunchtime so that meetings cannot be added to that time slot. Some people
even put ‘meeting with myself’ in their diary to ensure ‘me time’ cannot be
taken over by other people’s needs.’
3.
BOUNDARIES CAN START SMALL
Business coach Catrin MacDonnell recommends
starting small if you’re new to setting boundaries, since making big changes
isn’t easy. ‘Think about aspects of work and home life where you feel ‘put
upon’ or as though others might take advantage of you,’ she says. ‘If there are
times when people speak to you disrespectfully or situations where you’re
always the one who picks up jobs no-one else wants to do, work through each
scenario and ask yourself what boundary you could put in place to stop it
happening.’
Perhaps you’re always the one
who organises birthday gifts. Ask yourself why this is and whether you could
suggest that people take it in turns. ‘Try suggesting alternatives in a
positive and constructive way,’ adds Catrin. ‘You may think this is the least
of your problems but by asserting yourself here, you’re starting the ball
rolling for bigger things. Little by little you will be putting boundaries in
place.’
4. SAYING NO IS INTEGRAL TO SETTING
BOUNDARIES
What makes many people so
uncomfortable about setting boundaries is the fact that they require us to say
no. But being able to say you won’t do something is essential if you want to
have a balanced life and stay away from being stressed and overwhelmed, according
to Catrin.
She recommends identifying a
scenario where you could say no more often. It might be something that happens
frequently, such as people constantly interrupting you to ask questions. ‘Think
of a phrase that you feel comfortable saying by way of reply, such as ‘I have a
lot on my plate right now – I’d like to arrange a catch-up with you to work on
these questions at another time,’ she says. ‘Then when you have the catch up,
you can explain that you’d like them to save their questions for the agreed
times. This is not always possible, of course, but when it works well, they’ll
start to work out some of the answers themselves and reduce the amount of
questions they have for you.’
5. BOUNDARIES REQUIRE DETERMINATION
Having healthy boundaries in
place can transform your work and home life. You’ll feel clearer, more in
control and probably less stressed or overwhelmed. But you’ll need to be
assertive and determined, and willing to communicate your boundaries clearly to
others – something they may need time to get used to. ‘You’ll also need to be
pretty determined as the role you’ve been playing as helper / people pleaser is
how you’re likely to be known,’ adds Catrin. ‘People don’t like change,
generally, but if you stick with it, they’ll soon get used to the new you.’
6.
SETTING BOUNDARIES ISN’T EASY
‘When people find it difficult
to set and communicate their boundaries, it can be because feelings of guilt or
even selfishness arise,’ says Somia Zaman, a psychotherapist specialising in Cognitive Based Therapy.
‘You may be concerned that you might hurt someone’s feelings
when you set a line, or even that you may be rejected. But these difficult
feelings are only coming up because you are doing something new. Once you start
setting boundaries, it will get easier with time.’
Somia
recommends reflecting on the rules or boundaries that would benefit you in your
life. ‘Try writing down your rules and even rehearse telling them to people, or
at least imagine yourself telling people your boundaries,’ she says.
7. BOUNDARIES AREN’T ABOUT SHUTTING
PEOPLE OUT
It can help to think about
boundaries as ‘personal lines’ that you draw around yourself. But they’re not
about excluding people or shutting them out of your life. ‘Healthy boundary
setting is more about paying attention to what you need rather than issuing a
blanket no to the needs of other people,’ explains Somia.
‘Boundaries are there to protect you and allow you to live a
healthy and balanced lifestyle. Boundaries may be physical (don’t stand so
close to me), emotional (the right to not always share your feelings), intellectual
(showing respect for different views) or financial (a couple having separate
bank accounts). Common examples of boundaries include not answering work emails
out of hours, asking housemates not to go in your room when you are not there,
or telling a partner not to raise their voice at you.’
8. PEOPLE NEED TO BE REMINDED OF
REMINDERS
The key to maintaining your
boundaries is to keep reminding other people of them. If you have recently set
some new boundaries, it will take time and some repetition for them to stick in
others’ minds.
‘Continuing to stick to your own boundaries is important in
other people respecting them, and if you consistently enforce your own rules
then others are more likely to start to respect them,’ explains Somia. ‘Be very
clear about specifically what your boundaries mean. Don’t say ‘I need more
space’ – instead try ‘I don’t always like to hold hands when we are walking
down the street’.
Of
course, the nature of boundaries is such that they will more than likely be
tested and even breached from time to time. When this happens, gently remind
others of exactly what your boundaries are and how they have overstepped them,
advises Somia. ‘Tell them how this has affected you and politely remind them
that you’d like them to respect your boundaries in future.’
