Perfectionism...

 ...and comparison culture

So, you've figured out that, this Christmas, you'd like to bring the family together and have a few days that are sprinkled with moments that matter to each of you.

There will be your favourite Christmas music playing as you open presents; warm mince pies to nibble while watching The Snowman and the Snowdog; a board games evening that you hope doesn't get too competitive; and a Christmas dinner that brings everyone around the table to enjoy a delicious meal.

It sounds lovely, doesn't it? And it may well be a wonderful celebration. But, chances are, there will be pressure to pull off a brilliant day - or several days - and to make sure everyone is having the best of time. This can be especially true if you're hosting, but even if you're not, there can still be a strong sense of responsibility for making sure everything is just so.

'Perfectionism at Christmas relates to the pressure we all have in wider society to be perfect,' explains clinical psychologist Michaela Thomas. The commercialism of Christmas is an obvious factor, too: we're so used to seeing adverts for the holidays that can make us feel lacking if our reality doesn't match up. 'It's also linked to emotion,' says Thomas. 'From a psychological point of view, people are pressurised to purchase things they don't need at Christmas, because they want their kids to feel happy, or they want to feel happy.' The fact that crackers and boxes of chocolates line the supermarket shelves from late winter can mean we feel this pressure for much longer now, too. 'The pressure is also linked to a fear of failure,' says Thomas. 'It's the fear of not being good enough, or having the same as other people have.' 

Thomas explains that perfectionism can be linked to a fear of losing control, or a need to control everything. 'That might feel really anxiety-provoking for someone who has a need to control,' she says. 'It's impossible to reach a perfect standard - something will inevitably go wrong. This is why perfectionism can lead to a sense of stress, anxiety, or even low mood. So you might feel stressed and anxious before Christmas Day, because it has to be just right, and it may lead to low mood afterwards, when you realise it wasn't up to scratch. Maybe it wasn't as good as you wanted it to be, or someone was judgmental or disappointed. This can lead to self-criticism or shame when you feel you haven't reached the standard you wanted. But having unrealistic standards around Christmas means you're setting yourself up for disappointment.'

There will always be something that doesn't go according to plan: the roast potatoes get burnt, or someone doesn't respond to a gift that you've bought with the enthusiasm you'd imagined. You can't find the playlist that has all your favourite songs on it, or you want to go for a family walk, but the kids moan about it. None of these things are drastic, but when you've painted a picture of how wonderful Christmas should be, and you hold yourself responsible for that, it can make these little things seem like they ruin the day. 'Perfectionism at Christmas robs you of joy,' emphasises Thomas.

This perfection links into comparison culture. We see images of other people's Christmases on social media or adverts and think that's what ours should look like. It can make it harder to appreciate how lovely our own Christmases are. And, right now, as we feel the pinch in the cost-of-living crisis, if we can't afford the things we are made to feel we need, or we push ourselves too far and spend more than we're comfortable with, comparing ourselves to others can be particularly harmful.

Thankfully, there are steps we can take to avoid perfectionism or comparison, and still have a Christmas that's meaningful and joyful. 'A huge dollop of compassion for yourself and others is a good place to start,' reassures Thomas. 'It might be saying to yourself, "Well, no wonder I'm finding this stressful, because look at all the pressures and the things I have to do."' When we understand the wider context of why we feel this way, it's easier to be kind to ourselves. 

'Ask yourself, "What's going to be helpful rather than harmful for me to do right now?"' says Thomas. So, it might be helpful to take some time for yourself, or to ask your loved ones for some help. If you are a people pleaser, it can be hard to let people know you need support, but this can lead to resentment when you feel like others haven't pulled their weight. If you always cook Christmas dinner by yourself, it can be easy for others to assume you're happy doing so. Asking for help with specific tasks - someone to peel the carrots, for example, or to clear and set the table - means you aren't going to be upset that no one has helped while your loved ones realise what you need. Thomas also recommends keeping things in perspective. If something isn't going quite to plan, or you're feeling overwhelmed, she suggests taking a 60-second pause where you take six deep breaths. This can help you feel calmer, and then to think about things differently. 'It's asking yourself, "Is this really what I'm going to think about when I look back at this Christmas?"', says Thomas. 'Will your children look back at this Christmas and think, "That was the year that my mom did all the trimmings with the dinner"? Or would it be that they remember having fun running around together, or that you played a game with them? Just getting that perspective of what really matters to you and what the memories are you want to create can be helpful,' says Thomas.

Thomas recommends setting an intention each day of the festive period. 'It can be helpful to pick two, maybe three values you have,' says Thomas. She suggests journaling as a great way of keeping track of this and giving yourself space to reflect - just taking five or ten minutes each morning is enough. You can remind yourself what your intention is for the day, and also write down what you're grateful for. So, if your key value for Christmas is around connection, this can help challenge perfectionist ideas around needing to be cooking and cleaning all day. It helps shift your focus.

Intentions aside, there will still be tasks that need to be done, of course. In this situation, where you feel a conflict between your values and perfectionism, Thomas recommends seeing where you can take a shortcut. 'In my family, we sometimes buy ready-made food,' she says. This means they still enjoy a wonderful meal, but it reduces her need to spend lots of time in the kitchen, which clashes with her values around connection. Remember, it's okay to do things to make your Christmas easier and to make more time for the things that really matter.