How to set boundaries: 8 tips for success

It can be hard to know how to set boundaries, let alone maintain a boundary with a friend, family member or colleague. Try these tips.

Refusing to accept certain behaviours is an act of self-love, but it’s also perfectly possible to communicate your needs with kindness and compassion. Heidi Scrimgeour explains how to set boundaries with people who are close to you.

Lately, social media is awash with assertive reminders that it’s ok to set boundaries with people, or even to unapologetically walk away from anyone who disrespects your boundaries. But in practice, it can be hard to know how to set boundaries, let alone maintain a boundary with a friend, family member or colleague.

After all, do you need to verbalise a boundary or do unspoken ones count? How do you let someone know that they’ve breached a boundary – without sounding like a dictator? And what about when someone breezily claims they’re setting a boundary but it looks more like justifying unkind behaviour?

‘The word “boundary” almost implies putting a protective barrier between yourself and others,’ agrees women’s empowerment coach, Katie Philips. ‘It has a defensive energy and I think a lot of people mis-use boundaries as a way to push others away. In fact, setting a boundary is less about shutting others out and more about knowing what you need and loving yourself enough to ask for support in receiving that.’

Recently, I found myself having to become an expert on the topic and spelling out boundaries in two different sets of close relationships. Other people’s actions had disrupted my wellbeing in profound ways and I realised I had to communicate that I was not willing to accept certain behaviours.

I was surprised by how uncomfortable I felt about speaking up for myself, but also relieved at how smoothly the conversations went. My needs were acknowledged, both people were apologetic about the damage done, and we moved forward with bonds restored. But it’s not always so straightforward. Here are 8 things it helps to know about setting and maintaining boundaries.

1.   BOUNDARIES REQUIRE KNOWING WHAT YOU NEED

The first step towards setting a boundary is usually reconnecting with yourself. ‘The invitation to put a boundary in place implies you know what you need and want; the boundary ring fences the time and space for you to receive that,’ says Katie Phillips. ‘But so many women are in the habit of taking care of others to the extent that they are disconnected from their own wants and needs. Often, just the thought of connecting with their own desires sparks guilt. ‘Who am I to have what I want’ or ‘It’s selfish to put myself first’ are common thoughts I hear from women I work with.’

Katie recommends a daily practice to begin building the muscle of knowing yourself. Every morning, check in with how you feel and what you need. ‘The answer could be very practical – like hiring an accountant to help with your taxes to reduce your worry and overwhelm – or it could be a self-care practice – like an early night or a massage to combat exhaustion,’ Katie explains. ‘If an early night is required, the boundary might be letting your family know that you would like their help with clearing up dinner so that you can take a bath and go to bed earlier.’

2. BOUNDARIES ARE LOVING, NOT PUNITIVE

Another way to look at the word ‘boundary’ is to consider it as a ‘fiercely loving’ way to ring fence what you need according to Katie. ‘For example, a boundary could be blocking time in your diary every morning from 7:30 – 08:00 to stretch or from 12:00 – 13:00 for a walk at lunchtime so that meetings cannot be added to that time slot. Some people even put ‘meeting with myself’ in their diary to ensure ‘me time’ cannot be taken over by other people’s needs.’

3.   BOUNDARIES CAN START SMALL

 

Business coach Catrin MacDonnell recommends starting small if you’re new to setting boundaries, since making big changes isn’t easy. ‘Think about aspects of work and home life where you feel ‘put upon’ or as though others might take advantage of you,’ she says. ‘If there are times when people speak to you disrespectfully or situations where you’re always the one who picks up jobs no-one else wants to do, work through each scenario and ask yourself what boundary you could put in place to stop it happening.’

Perhaps you’re always the one who organises birthday gifts. Ask yourself why this is and whether you could suggest that people take it in turns. ‘Try suggesting alternatives in a positive and constructive way,’ adds Catrin. ‘You may think this is the least of your problems but by asserting yourself here, you’re starting the ball rolling for bigger things. Little by little you will be putting boundaries in place.’

4. SAYING NO IS INTEGRAL TO SETTING BOUNDARIES

What makes many people so uncomfortable about setting boundaries is the fact that they require us to say no. But being able to say you won’t do something is essential if you want to have a balanced life and stay away from being stressed and overwhelmed, according to Catrin.

She recommends identifying a scenario where you could say no more often. It might be something that happens frequently, such as people constantly interrupting you to ask questions. ‘Think of a phrase that you feel comfortable saying by way of reply, such as ‘I have a lot on my plate right now – I’d like to arrange a catch-up with you to work on these questions at another time,’ she says. ‘Then when you have the catch up, you can explain that you’d like them to save their questions for the agreed times. This is not always possible, of course, but when it works well, they’ll start to work out some of the answers themselves and reduce the amount of questions they have for you.’

5. BOUNDARIES REQUIRE DETERMINATION

Having healthy boundaries in place can transform your work and home life. You’ll feel clearer, more in control and probably less stressed or overwhelmed. But you’ll need to be assertive and determined, and willing to communicate your boundaries clearly to others – something they may need time to get used to. ‘You’ll also need to be pretty determined as the role you’ve been playing as helper / people pleaser is how you’re likely to be known,’ adds Catrin. ‘People don’t like change, generally, but if you stick with it, they’ll soon get used to the new you.’

6.   SETTING BOUNDARIES ISN’T EASY

‘When people find it difficult to set and communicate their boundaries, it can be because feelings of guilt or even selfishness arise,’ says Somia Zaman, a psychotherapist specialising in  Cognitive Based Therapy.

‘You may be concerned that you might hurt someone’s feelings when you set a line, or even that you may be rejected. But these difficult feelings are only coming up because you are doing something new. Once you start setting boundaries, it will get easier with time.’

Somia recommends reflecting on the rules or boundaries that would benefit you in your life. ‘Try writing down your rules and even rehearse telling them to people, or at least imagine yourself telling people your boundaries,’ she says.

7. BOUNDARIES AREN’T ABOUT SHUTTING PEOPLE OUT

It can help to think about boundaries as ‘personal lines’ that you draw around yourself. But they’re not about excluding people or shutting them out of your life. ‘Healthy boundary setting is more about paying attention to what you need rather than issuing a blanket no to the needs of other people,’ explains Somia.

‘Boundaries are there to protect you and allow you to live a healthy and balanced lifestyle. Boundaries may be physical (don’t stand so close to me), emotional (the right to not always share your feelings), intellectual (showing respect for different views) or financial (a couple having separate bank accounts). Common examples of boundaries include not answering work emails out of hours, asking housemates not to go in your room when you are not there, or telling a partner not to raise their voice at you.’

8. PEOPLE NEED TO BE REMINDED OF REMINDERS

The key to maintaining your boundaries is to keep reminding other people of them. If you have recently set some new boundaries, it will take time and some repetition for them to stick in others’ minds.

‘Continuing to stick to your own boundaries is important in other people respecting them, and if you consistently enforce your own rules then others are more likely to start to respect them,’ explains Somia. ‘Be very clear about specifically what your boundaries mean. Don’t say ‘I need more space’ – instead try ‘I don’t always like to hold hands when we are walking down the street’.

Of course, the nature of boundaries is such that they will more than likely be tested and even breached from time to time. When this happens, gently remind others of exactly what your boundaries are and how they have overstepped them, advises Somia. ‘Tell them how this has affected you and politely remind them that you’d like them to respect your boundaries in future.’

Non-dominant hand-writing therapy

Try this non-dominant hand writing therapy technique for a fresh perspective on your life and troubles, advises writing columnist, author and coach Jackee Holder...

"When I need to find new ways of looking at something or I feel stuck, I try non-dominant hand writing therapy. I simply switch my pen to my left hand, write with my non-dominant writing hand and let new thoughts emerge."

Art therapist Lucia Capacchione’s longitudinal work confirms that writing with your non-dominant hand helps stress and anxiety. It is also a great way to access the voice of your inner child. You can even use the process to gain insight into relationship dynamics and can go as far as alleviating some physical pain.

Latent insight from your non-dominant hand

The practice of writing with the hand you don’t normally use is straightforward but don’t be fooled by its simplicity. Anita* arrived at a coaching session stressing about her partner and the impact of them both being forced to work from home in a small flat. I invited her to write this out as the question she wanted answers to using her dominant hand.

Switching her pen over to her non-dominant writing hand, I guided Anita to write a response to her question. I reminded her to keep going even if it felt awkward and slow, and to take her time and trust what might emerge. Seconds later, there were tears streaming down her face. The large, childlike writing that filled two pages of her notebook as her answer told a different story from the one her dominant writing hand was familiar with writing and asking.

Your non-dominant hand and the right side of the brain

Capacchione believes that the non-dominant writing hand is connected to the right hemisphere of the brain. By writing with your non-dominant hand, you are accessing territory beyond your rational and linear thoughts. If you are right-handed, you are using your left hand to be in right mind, and vice versa if you are left-handed.

When you use both hands, you are boosting both hemispheres of the brain. More becomes available to you when you bring both hemispheres together through writing with both hands. The power of writing with the other hand is symbolic to working with a tuning fork on the page: a reminder that the mind that holds the problem also holds the solution.

Non-dominant hand writing therapy

Follow these simple steps to stimulate the right hemisphere of your brain and discover latent insights through non-dominant hand writing therapy…

1.       Think about a problem that is causing you trouble, then write it down as a question using your dominant hand.

2.     Next, switch the pen or pencil to your non-dominant writing hand for this part of the therapy.

3.    With your non-dominant hand at the ready, write down a response to your earlier question.

4.    This will probably feel slow and awkward. However, as you persevere, you’re likely to come up with new thoughts and ideas that can help you to solve your problem.

5.    Next, why not try writing with both your dominant hand and your non-dominant hand at the same time? This will access both the right and left brain hemispheres, helping you to see problems from all perspectives.

 

8 ways to feel calmer quickly

Everything feeling a little too much? Here are our expert tips on how to quickly calm yourself down when you need it most.

We’ve all had moments where things seem to get on top of us all at once, and stress suddenly feels too much to handle. In times like these, knowing how to lower those stress levels and calm ourselves down is crucial.

In order to access calm speedily, you need to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, says Calm Coach Gabrielle Trainor. ‘This tells our brains and body that we’re not in immediate danger and can come out of survival mode, which lowers heart rate and blood pressure, and relaxes the muscles.’

Try these simple techniques when you want to switch off the stress response in an instant…

Perfect your posture

Simply changing your posture and body language can directly impact how you feel. If you want to feel calm and confident, practise looking like you are – open-chested, head up, back straight.

When we’re stressed or worried, we tend to hunch and make ourselves smaller, which constricts our breathing, making us feel more panicked.

Write it down

A journal is one of the easiest ways to improve self-awareness, because you can look back at what you were feeling at a certain time, in your own words, and notice the things you’ve worried about, and reflect on how they turned out.

The simple act of writing it down also helps to stop rumination, leaving you feeling calmer.

Feel all the feels

Try making a playlist of songs that make you feel a whole range of emotions – from happiness and excitement to sadness and longing.

‘Use these different songs to help you become more comfortable with the array of emotions that you feel, so that when they come up at other times, you’re less uncomfortable with them,’ says Dr Meg Arroll.

Exhale your worries

This easy breathing exercise will make you feel calmer after just a few breaths. First, notice where you can feel your breath most clearly enter and leave your body – it could be your nose, your chest, or your stomach.

Focus on that place and try to breathe a little more deeply into that spot, and to slow it down. ‘When we’re tense, we breathe using only the top of our lungs, and when we’re scared, we can gulp in air, so make sure you’re fully exhaling as well as inhaling,’ says Treanor.

If it helps you to focus, you can breathe in for a count of four and breathe out to a count of six. As you breathe, try visualising that you’re inhaling calm and exhaling worry.

Let nostalgia soothe you

The things that remind you of times when you’ve felt safe and happy can help bring you back to a calmer place again. Dr Arroll recommends playing music, looking at photos, seeking out smells, or reading an old diary.

You can also practise making a memory in the moment by noticing as many details, emotions and sensations as you can while you’re experiencing something. Make a compliments jar Every time someone gives you a compliment, jot it down on a piece of paper and pop it in a jar.

‘You could also write down qualities you like about yourself, or ask a loved one what they value in you,’ says Dr Arroll. ‘Think about minor achievements, too – finishing a piece of work, tackling a difficult conversation.’

When you’re having a tough day, close your eyes and grab a compliment to brighten your mood and build your confidence.

Go to your happy place

Picture in your mind a place that represents beauty and peace. Experience everything you can about this place (the colours, sounds, and smells), and enjoy the tranquillity it brings you.

Choose a word that you associate with this safe place – maybe ‘calm’ or ‘joy’ or ‘peace’, or something else of your choice. Say the word out loud a few times. Finally, tap each thigh alternately with your hands in a slow rhythm for about 20–30 seconds.

‘This is a technique called bilateral stimulation,’ says Owen O’Kane. ‘Your imagination has gone to a calm place and your chosen word reinforces that. The act of tapping is a further physical reinforcer, which sends a message to your brain that you don’t need to be in “threat mode” anymore. The tapping rhythm creates a sense of ease and facilitates the grounded feeling.’

Scroll through your senses

‘When you focus your attention on something real and in the moment, it brings you out of the thoughts that are spinning through your head when you’re overwhelmed,’ says Treanor.

To do this, scroll through your senses by naming (out loud or silently to yourself) one thing you can see, one thing you can hear, and one thing you can touch, feel, and taste. Do this again and keep scrolling through your senses, naming one thing at a time.”

Is it time to befriend your inner critic?

Is the negative voice inside your head holding you back in life by filling you with self-doubt? It might be time to befriend it.

The most important conversations we have each day are the ones we have with ourself. Each one of us has an inner voice that runs through our head during every waking hour; it’s part of ‘the verbal working memory system’, and it’s a crucial element of cognitive tasks such as language processing and reasoning.

Most of the time, it’s useful, supportive, and concerned for your safety. Sometimes it behaves like a personal assistant, organising your thoughts, solving problems, or reminding you to do things. Other times, it can act as your own personal cheerleader, providing you with the support and confidence to make bold and dramatic moves. It can even be an ever-present nurturing parent, protecting you from danger.

But, sometimes, it becomes critical, fixating on painful emotions and reliving moments of embarrassment. And, unfortunately, that’s when you hear it the loudest; it can be hard to turn off, filling you with self-doubt, eating away at your confidence, and preventing you from reaching your full potential. When it gets out of control, it can cause havoc with your performance, decision-making, relationships, happiness, and health.

Jess Baker, psychologist, explains further: ‘Everyone has an inner critic, but some are more sensitive to theirs than others,’ she says. ‘And when there is more risk of failure, such as starting a new job or a new relationship, the volume of the inner critic increases and similar themes emerge: not trusting ourself to make the best decision (which can lead to procrastination); negative appraisal of our appearance (“I wish my nose was smaller”); harshly judging our personal qualities (“I should be a better friend”); and belittling our lifestyle (“I should be earning more”).’

Sound familiar? When you stop to think about it, you may recognise your inner critic as a perfectionist (‘Try harder’), or a taskmaster (‘You’re so lazy’). Perhaps it’s an underminer (‘Don’t even try, because you’ll fail anyway’), a guilt-tripper (‘How could you have done that?’), or a conformist (‘What will other people think?’). Or maybe it’s a controller (‘You have no willpower’), or a destroyer (‘You’re worthless’).

Your inner critic can be pretty harsh, so it’s no wonder we wish it would shut up at times – but it’s tenacious, and taps into our most damaging thought processes, such as black-and-white thinking, over-generalisation, disqualifying the positive, self-blame, and catastrophising. Although there’s nothing we can do to stop those thoughts popping into our heads altogether, we do have control over how we engage in them, how we work with them, how we manipulate them, and how we control them once they are activated. Instead of trying to silence your chatter, you can educate it, motivate it, and reason with it.

 

‘Don’t try to fight with your inner critic,’ says integrative arts psychotherapist Emma Cameron. ‘Yes, it limits you. Yes, it hurts you and makes you feel terrible. But when you try to tame, silence, squash or master it, you may be just making it stronger. Instead, try thinking in terms of befriending it, guiding it, calming it, and gently transforming it.’

The good news is that there are lots of ways to do that, from creating a more compassionate mindset, to stepping back and thinking about your situation more objectively. The first step is to get curious, and it all starts with understanding where the voice is coming from. Next time you feel like your inner critic might be in operation, try tuning into some of the things that it says to you. What sorts of things does your inner critic tell you that you can’t do? Or shouldn’t do? Or aren’t capable of? Or don’t deserve? What sort of person does your inner critic say you are? What does your inner critic have to say about how other people see you?

What’s the tone of your inner critic like? Is it cold, sarcastic, nagging, belittling, mean or demanding? How about the volume? Do you feel as if you have someone inside your head shouting demands at you?

With all this going on, it can easily become overwhelming, making it hard for us to concentrate and make rational decisions. ‘When this happens, we need to find ways to distance ourselves from the heat and snippiness of the inner critic,’ says Cameron.

Stepping back from your mental echo chamber allows you to gain a broader, calmer, and more objective perspective, and when you distance yourself, you are able to be less emotionally triggered, less stressed mentally and physically, and you make better judgments and decisions.

One widely successful technique is speaking to yourself in the third person. This flips a switch in your head and creates an immediate emotional distance by altering your perspective. We are often better at giving guidance to other people struggling with something emotional than we are at giving it to ourselves, so this puts you in a better position to start offering yourself much wiser advice. To make this easier, Cameron recommends giving your inner critic a name, which allows you to move the chatter from ‘inner monologue’ to ‘inner dialogue’ and you can begin to have conversations with your critic that counter its negativity.

‘When you imagine the voice is no longer in your head but belongs to a persona you’ve created, it’s easier to question what it’s saying,’ adds Baker. ‘Learning to interrupt your inner critic is essential. It’s the only way you are going to be able to regain any control over it and reclaim your headspace.’

So, when you hear your inner critic saying things like ‘You’re such a failure’ or ‘No one loves you’, ask for evidence that this is true. Often, there is little proof to support this negative self-talk, and by questioning it, you can begin to break the cycle by hitting back with facts. You could even try hoarding evidence of your successes: list the things you’re good at and keep them close to hand for the times you need to counter your inner critic with positivity.

Baker also suggests turning your inner critic on its head. ‘Try swapping the negative words for self-confident affirmations,’ she says. ‘Change “I don’t feel successful” to “I deserve to feel successful”, or even “I am successful”. It might feel icky to say this at first, but try it anyway, because there’s magic (backed by science) in hearing yourself say positive feedback out loud in this way. As the brain begins to believe it, you will begin to feel it.

But it’s not just what your inner critic says – how it says it matters, too. Most of us are guilty of being harder on ourselves than we are on others, and we wouldn’t dream of saying the things we let our inner critic get away with to a friend.

‘It’s really important to work on building self-compassion,’ says Cameron. ‘Change your relationship with failure. Instead of seeing it as a terrible thing to have made a mistake, work on being more realistic, and recognise that failure is a common, normal experience that happens to us all from time to time. Don’t pin your self-worth on “only succeeding”; instead, allow yourself to be what you actually are — a wonderful, flawed human who is worthy of love and respect even when you mess up.’

For most of us, our inner critic will be around in some shape or form for the rest of our lives. It’s a part of who we are, and although there doesn’t seem to be a magic bullet for switching it off, with the techniques you now have in your toolbox – and a little practice – you’ll soon move beyond the negative chatter in your head.

How to find what motivates you

Discover your call to action and find greater fulfillment in life with these top tips from the experts...

We all have something that drives us, but we’re not always conscious of what it is. Learning how to find what motivates you can be the first step in a search for greater meaning in life, as Jenny Hulme writes…

During a balmy August evening, millions of people watched spellbound as 29-year-old Team GB athlete Mo Farah raced to victory across the 10,000m finishing line.

But for Farah, it soon became evident that his prime motivation to win came not from gold medals or the roar of the crowd, but from the ecstatic reaction of his family. There were emotional scenes as his daughter and wife, pregnant with twins, joined him on the track.

Later, he said that his wish was to win not one but two gold medals, one for each twin. A few days later, he did just that in the 5,000m event. For Farah, the desire to make his family proud of him was what spurred him on and kept him going through the tough times.

What triggers your call to action?

Whatever it is we think we want to achieve, we first need to tap into what it is within us that triggers that call to action. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ motivation, it’s more about finding what it is that really drives you to take action. If we look at the careers of people who achieve extraordinary things, there are usually indications that they were motivated by something bigger than themselves.

Past children’s laureate Jacqueline Wilson grew hugely popular only after she tapped into a desire to write about difficult social issues facing children. She had written some 40 books, including crime novels, before the breakthrough success of Tracy Beaker.

Likewise, for the war correspondent Marie Colvin, it was the drive to act as a voice for the many victims of oppressive regimes, particularly women, that spurred her on to visit conflict zones. It was this keen sense of urgency about publicising the message of civilians being slaughtered in Syria that led to Colvin’s tragic death.

Discovering what energises you

‘I think the first challenge for any of us is to discover what we want in life, what we’re actually motivated by,’ says Peter Bregman, author of 18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done.

‘A lot of people are inspired by the idea of winning. What they forget is the months and years of work, setbacks and failures, that went into achieving that. If you are going to become great at anything, you have to want to do it enough to fail again and again,’ says Bregman.

Find your drive

According to psychologist Ros Taylor, author of Confidence at Work: Get It, Feel It, Keep It and her latest book Creativity at Work: Create Confidence When You Need It (both Kogan Page), there are nine motivational triggers (see below) that, once identified, can bring a greater sense of meaning to our actions.

‘Discovering your drive and your motivational trigger is the first challenge,’ she says. ‘Ask yourself – and keep asking yourself – what is it that energises you? Is it the security you feel, the influence you have, or the freedom to follow your instincts? Is it making a difference to others via a campaign or charity, or having time at home?’ says Taylor.

‘Ask yourself what you loved doing as a child or student that you miss doing now. What do you strongly believe in, and how do you dream your life will be?

‘You can get more specific, too,’ Taylor adds. ‘Ask yourself: do I like leading people and running meetings, so would managing teams be the right job for me? Or is it when I am actually developing an idea or creating a product for a company that I lose track of time and feel a real buzz about my work – what jobs would satisfy that need?’

Ask yourself the ‘killer questions’

If you take time to ask yourself what Taylor calls the ‘killer questions’, it will help you sense when your drivers are the right ones (‘I really want to get that job’) – and when they’re wrong (‘If I get that job I won’t have any time to be creative, or work for the local charity that adds real meaning to my life’).

‘You’ll be more in tune with what is happening each day, too,’ says Taylor. ‘If you feel like you’re wading through treacle during the day, and feel no satisfaction at the end of it, even when you’ve achieved the apparent goal, what drives you may be wrong, or may have changed, and you will need to rethink.’

What do you yearn for?

‘When I was young I really wanted my own home, and the security that came with that, so working round the clock and climbing the ladder worked. People used to tell me I did long hours, but it felt worth it,’ says Fi, a computer analyst, who lives in Brighton.

‘But I carried on like that for five years too long. It was only when I took a sabbatical to write a training programme for the company that I realised how much I enjoyed being in the home I’d made, digging in the garden and cooking with the food I’d grown – and creating something for others. I loved working on the training programme. That changed the hours I did and the projects and positions in the company I went for.’

Reflect on what matters to you

Sometimes, you need to take time to reflect on what it is that really matters most to you, and one way of identifying that is to think about what is missing from your life. ‘I think motivation is yearning combined with a belief in what’s possible for you,’ says US life coach Martha Beck, author of the new book Finding Your Way in a Wild New World: Four Steps to Fulfilling Your True Calling (Piatkus).

‘You can’t force yourself to want to do something, even if it seems to tie in with your goal. You have to find what you truly want and discover that yearning.’ In short, identifying what really motivates you can be the catalyst for meaningful change.

‘If you’re aware of what drives you, you can look at ways to do something spectacular within the arena you’re already working in, for example, or do something new in your spare time,’ says Taylor.

‘Take a head teacher who wants power and influence, but hates being a headteacher and loves being in the classroom. Tuned into those feelings, she might switch back to teaching, but start writing about education, or take a lead on a community youth project that will give influence and power in her profession and real fulfilment in life.

How to find what motivates you:

Rate each of the following out of 10. Those with the highest scores are your main drivers.

• MATERIAL GAIN: Seeking possessions, wealth and a high standard of living. Material comforts matter to you.
• POWER/INFLUENCE: You like to be in charge and feel more secure leading than being led.
• SEARCH FOR MEANING: You are keen to feel that you are contributing to something larger than yourself.
• ACCOMPLISHMENT: Excelling in a specific area, often requiring high levels of skill and specialist knowledge, is very important to you.
• CREATIVITY: You enjoy working with your own ideas and talents. Original ideas often motivate you.
• AFFILIATION: You get inspired by working with like-minded individuals and love being part of a team.
• AUTONOMY: You thrive when you feel like you’re master of your own destiny rather than a cog in a wheel.
• SECURITY: You yearn to create a solid and predictable future.
• STATUS: You seek to be recognised and admired by others – colleagues, family, friends and neighbours. Achievement is extremely important to you.

The trouble with new year’s resolutions...

... and how to set goals that stick

Despite our good intentions, new year's resolutions can seem destined to fail. Tweaking your mindset, however, can lead to sustaining change.

Did you set some new year’s resolutions for 2024? Maybe to eat more fruit and vegetables or up your exercise routine? And just a few days in…is your enthusiasm beginning to wane?

Research by Noom, the psychology-backed behaviour change programme, suggests that nearly three in five (59%) people in the Western world give up on their new year’s resolutions in the first two weeks of January. More than half even start a new diet or fitness regimen with little to no confidence it will be sustainable long-term.

Why is the success rate of new year’s resolutions so poor? Noom’s State of Healthy Behaviours report found just over four in five (81%) people feel unconfident when it comes to incorporating the necessary changes for a healthier lifestyle.

One in five feel they have to do something ‘drastic’ to improve their health, while a similar proportion (21%) admit to setting themselves unrealistic goals or timeframes.

If this sounds all too familiar, rest assured help is at hand. Andreas Michaelides Ph.D, chief of psychology at Noom, has the following five tips to help you set realistic and achievable goals:

1. Consider your values

When it comes to setting new health goals, starting can be the hardest part. If you feel stuck, try looking at your values. Values differ from goals in that the former represents what matters most to you, while goals are the things you tick off in order to live out your values.

Values differ from person to person. To determine your values, ask yourself: ‘deep down, what matters most to me?’. Make a note of what comes to mind. The purpose of identifying your values is to find the areas of your life where you want to make change. Goals are the tool to help you make that change and are more likely to be successful if they have value behind them.

Once you have an idea of your values, decide on the one area that will have the most positive impact on your life. Ask yourself: ‘what is it I really want to see change in this area of my life?’. Make a note of all your ideas and pick one.

2. Set SMART goals

Many of us struggle to make changes to our lifestyle. Michaelides recommends transforming your ideas, which may be broad or sweeping, into clearly defined goals.

These goals should be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. For example, rather than saying: ‘I’m going to eat better’, say: ‘I will eat one additional serving of vegetables a day for three days this week’.

3. One thing at a time

Many of us have an ‘all or nothing’ approach to making lifestyle changes, but this can be overwhelming, creating a vicious cycle of negative feedback that makes achieving goals even more difficult.

To break the cycle, shift your focus to how you can change just one thing or even just a portion of the bigger picture. This will help your goals be more realistic and attainable. Remember, even the smallest change can snowball into larger, lasting change over time. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

4. Celebrate all wins – big or small

Most people can be pretty hard on themselves if they fall short of their goals. Remind yourself: ‘I am doing the best I can at this time’ and try to find at least one thing you are succeeding in – we bet there’s more than you first think.

5. A setback is not a failure

A major characteristic of those who achieve lasting habit changes is they push past inevitable setbacks.

Would you quit your job after one bad day? The same principle applies to your personal wellness journey. Be kind to yourself and resist seeing setbacks as failures, but rather consider them stepping-stones on the path to achieving your goals.

Noom’s research suggests almost a third of people find a lack of accountability to anyone is one of the biggest barriers to improving their health. Find a goal planner who can help make you more accountable to yourself.