How to set boundaries: 8 tips for success

It can be hard to know how to set boundaries, let alone maintain a boundary with a friend, family member or colleague. Try these tips.

Refusing to accept certain behaviours is an act of self-love, but it’s also perfectly possible to communicate your needs with kindness and compassion. Heidi Scrimgeour explains how to set boundaries with people who are close to you.

Lately, social media is awash with assertive reminders that it’s ok to set boundaries with people, or even to unapologetically walk away from anyone who disrespects your boundaries. But in practice, it can be hard to know how to set boundaries, let alone maintain a boundary with a friend, family member or colleague.

After all, do you need to verbalise a boundary or do unspoken ones count? How do you let someone know that they’ve breached a boundary – without sounding like a dictator? And what about when someone breezily claims they’re setting a boundary but it looks more like justifying unkind behaviour?

‘The word “boundary” almost implies putting a protective barrier between yourself and others,’ agrees women’s empowerment coach, Katie Philips. ‘It has a defensive energy and I think a lot of people mis-use boundaries as a way to push others away. In fact, setting a boundary is less about shutting others out and more about knowing what you need and loving yourself enough to ask for support in receiving that.’

Recently, I found myself having to become an expert on the topic and spelling out boundaries in two different sets of close relationships. Other people’s actions had disrupted my wellbeing in profound ways and I realised I had to communicate that I was not willing to accept certain behaviours.

I was surprised by how uncomfortable I felt about speaking up for myself, but also relieved at how smoothly the conversations went. My needs were acknowledged, both people were apologetic about the damage done, and we moved forward with bonds restored. But it’s not always so straightforward. Here are 8 things it helps to know about setting and maintaining boundaries.

1.   BOUNDARIES REQUIRE KNOWING WHAT YOU NEED

The first step towards setting a boundary is usually reconnecting with yourself. ‘The invitation to put a boundary in place implies you know what you need and want; the boundary ring fences the time and space for you to receive that,’ says Katie Phillips. ‘But so many women are in the habit of taking care of others to the extent that they are disconnected from their own wants and needs. Often, just the thought of connecting with their own desires sparks guilt. ‘Who am I to have what I want’ or ‘It’s selfish to put myself first’ are common thoughts I hear from women I work with.’

Katie recommends a daily practice to begin building the muscle of knowing yourself. Every morning, check in with how you feel and what you need. ‘The answer could be very practical – like hiring an accountant to help with your taxes to reduce your worry and overwhelm – or it could be a self-care practice – like an early night or a massage to combat exhaustion,’ Katie explains. ‘If an early night is required, the boundary might be letting your family know that you would like their help with clearing up dinner so that you can take a bath and go to bed earlier.’

2. BOUNDARIES ARE LOVING, NOT PUNITIVE

Another way to look at the word ‘boundary’ is to consider it as a ‘fiercely loving’ way to ring fence what you need according to Katie. ‘For example, a boundary could be blocking time in your diary every morning from 7:30 – 08:00 to stretch or from 12:00 – 13:00 for a walk at lunchtime so that meetings cannot be added to that time slot. Some people even put ‘meeting with myself’ in their diary to ensure ‘me time’ cannot be taken over by other people’s needs.’

3.   BOUNDARIES CAN START SMALL

 

Business coach Catrin MacDonnell recommends starting small if you’re new to setting boundaries, since making big changes isn’t easy. ‘Think about aspects of work and home life where you feel ‘put upon’ or as though others might take advantage of you,’ she says. ‘If there are times when people speak to you disrespectfully or situations where you’re always the one who picks up jobs no-one else wants to do, work through each scenario and ask yourself what boundary you could put in place to stop it happening.’

Perhaps you’re always the one who organises birthday gifts. Ask yourself why this is and whether you could suggest that people take it in turns. ‘Try suggesting alternatives in a positive and constructive way,’ adds Catrin. ‘You may think this is the least of your problems but by asserting yourself here, you’re starting the ball rolling for bigger things. Little by little you will be putting boundaries in place.’

4. SAYING NO IS INTEGRAL TO SETTING BOUNDARIES

What makes many people so uncomfortable about setting boundaries is the fact that they require us to say no. But being able to say you won’t do something is essential if you want to have a balanced life and stay away from being stressed and overwhelmed, according to Catrin.

She recommends identifying a scenario where you could say no more often. It might be something that happens frequently, such as people constantly interrupting you to ask questions. ‘Think of a phrase that you feel comfortable saying by way of reply, such as ‘I have a lot on my plate right now – I’d like to arrange a catch-up with you to work on these questions at another time,’ she says. ‘Then when you have the catch up, you can explain that you’d like them to save their questions for the agreed times. This is not always possible, of course, but when it works well, they’ll start to work out some of the answers themselves and reduce the amount of questions they have for you.’

5. BOUNDARIES REQUIRE DETERMINATION

Having healthy boundaries in place can transform your work and home life. You’ll feel clearer, more in control and probably less stressed or overwhelmed. But you’ll need to be assertive and determined, and willing to communicate your boundaries clearly to others – something they may need time to get used to. ‘You’ll also need to be pretty determined as the role you’ve been playing as helper / people pleaser is how you’re likely to be known,’ adds Catrin. ‘People don’t like change, generally, but if you stick with it, they’ll soon get used to the new you.’

6.   SETTING BOUNDARIES ISN’T EASY

‘When people find it difficult to set and communicate their boundaries, it can be because feelings of guilt or even selfishness arise,’ says Somia Zaman, a psychotherapist specialising in  Cognitive Based Therapy.

‘You may be concerned that you might hurt someone’s feelings when you set a line, or even that you may be rejected. But these difficult feelings are only coming up because you are doing something new. Once you start setting boundaries, it will get easier with time.’

Somia recommends reflecting on the rules or boundaries that would benefit you in your life. ‘Try writing down your rules and even rehearse telling them to people, or at least imagine yourself telling people your boundaries,’ she says.

7. BOUNDARIES AREN’T ABOUT SHUTTING PEOPLE OUT

It can help to think about boundaries as ‘personal lines’ that you draw around yourself. But they’re not about excluding people or shutting them out of your life. ‘Healthy boundary setting is more about paying attention to what you need rather than issuing a blanket no to the needs of other people,’ explains Somia.

‘Boundaries are there to protect you and allow you to live a healthy and balanced lifestyle. Boundaries may be physical (don’t stand so close to me), emotional (the right to not always share your feelings), intellectual (showing respect for different views) or financial (a couple having separate bank accounts). Common examples of boundaries include not answering work emails out of hours, asking housemates not to go in your room when you are not there, or telling a partner not to raise their voice at you.’

8. PEOPLE NEED TO BE REMINDED OF REMINDERS

The key to maintaining your boundaries is to keep reminding other people of them. If you have recently set some new boundaries, it will take time and some repetition for them to stick in others’ minds.

‘Continuing to stick to your own boundaries is important in other people respecting them, and if you consistently enforce your own rules then others are more likely to start to respect them,’ explains Somia. ‘Be very clear about specifically what your boundaries mean. Don’t say ‘I need more space’ – instead try ‘I don’t always like to hold hands when we are walking down the street’.

Of course, the nature of boundaries is such that they will more than likely be tested and even breached from time to time. When this happens, gently remind others of exactly what your boundaries are and how they have overstepped them, advises Somia. ‘Tell them how this has affected you and politely remind them that you’d like them to respect your boundaries in future.’

Non-dominant hand-writing therapy

Try this non-dominant hand writing therapy technique for a fresh perspective on your life and troubles, advises writing columnist, author and coach Jackee Holder...

"When I need to find new ways of looking at something or I feel stuck, I try non-dominant hand writing therapy. I simply switch my pen to my left hand, write with my non-dominant writing hand and let new thoughts emerge."

Art therapist Lucia Capacchione’s longitudinal work confirms that writing with your non-dominant hand helps stress and anxiety. It is also a great way to access the voice of your inner child. You can even use the process to gain insight into relationship dynamics and can go as far as alleviating some physical pain.

Latent insight from your non-dominant hand

The practice of writing with the hand you don’t normally use is straightforward but don’t be fooled by its simplicity. Anita* arrived at a coaching session stressing about her partner and the impact of them both being forced to work from home in a small flat. I invited her to write this out as the question she wanted answers to using her dominant hand.

Switching her pen over to her non-dominant writing hand, I guided Anita to write a response to her question. I reminded her to keep going even if it felt awkward and slow, and to take her time and trust what might emerge. Seconds later, there were tears streaming down her face. The large, childlike writing that filled two pages of her notebook as her answer told a different story from the one her dominant writing hand was familiar with writing and asking.

Your non-dominant hand and the right side of the brain

Capacchione believes that the non-dominant writing hand is connected to the right hemisphere of the brain. By writing with your non-dominant hand, you are accessing territory beyond your rational and linear thoughts. If you are right-handed, you are using your left hand to be in right mind, and vice versa if you are left-handed.

When you use both hands, you are boosting both hemispheres of the brain. More becomes available to you when you bring both hemispheres together through writing with both hands. The power of writing with the other hand is symbolic to working with a tuning fork on the page: a reminder that the mind that holds the problem also holds the solution.

Non-dominant hand writing therapy

Follow these simple steps to stimulate the right hemisphere of your brain and discover latent insights through non-dominant hand writing therapy…

1.       Think about a problem that is causing you trouble, then write it down as a question using your dominant hand.

2.     Next, switch the pen or pencil to your non-dominant writing hand for this part of the therapy.

3.    With your non-dominant hand at the ready, write down a response to your earlier question.

4.    This will probably feel slow and awkward. However, as you persevere, you’re likely to come up with new thoughts and ideas that can help you to solve your problem.

5.    Next, why not try writing with both your dominant hand and your non-dominant hand at the same time? This will access both the right and left brain hemispheres, helping you to see problems from all perspectives.

 

8 ways to feel calmer quickly

Everything feeling a little too much? Here are our expert tips on how to quickly calm yourself down when you need it most.

We’ve all had moments where things seem to get on top of us all at once, and stress suddenly feels too much to handle. In times like these, knowing how to lower those stress levels and calm ourselves down is crucial.

In order to access calm speedily, you need to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, says Calm Coach Gabrielle Trainor. ‘This tells our brains and body that we’re not in immediate danger and can come out of survival mode, which lowers heart rate and blood pressure, and relaxes the muscles.’

Try these simple techniques when you want to switch off the stress response in an instant…

Perfect your posture

Simply changing your posture and body language can directly impact how you feel. If you want to feel calm and confident, practise looking like you are – open-chested, head up, back straight.

When we’re stressed or worried, we tend to hunch and make ourselves smaller, which constricts our breathing, making us feel more panicked.

Write it down

A journal is one of the easiest ways to improve self-awareness, because you can look back at what you were feeling at a certain time, in your own words, and notice the things you’ve worried about, and reflect on how they turned out.

The simple act of writing it down also helps to stop rumination, leaving you feeling calmer.

Feel all the feels

Try making a playlist of songs that make you feel a whole range of emotions – from happiness and excitement to sadness and longing.

‘Use these different songs to help you become more comfortable with the array of emotions that you feel, so that when they come up at other times, you’re less uncomfortable with them,’ says Dr Meg Arroll.

Exhale your worries

This easy breathing exercise will make you feel calmer after just a few breaths. First, notice where you can feel your breath most clearly enter and leave your body – it could be your nose, your chest, or your stomach.

Focus on that place and try to breathe a little more deeply into that spot, and to slow it down. ‘When we’re tense, we breathe using only the top of our lungs, and when we’re scared, we can gulp in air, so make sure you’re fully exhaling as well as inhaling,’ says Treanor.

If it helps you to focus, you can breathe in for a count of four and breathe out to a count of six. As you breathe, try visualising that you’re inhaling calm and exhaling worry.

Let nostalgia soothe you

The things that remind you of times when you’ve felt safe and happy can help bring you back to a calmer place again. Dr Arroll recommends playing music, looking at photos, seeking out smells, or reading an old diary.

You can also practise making a memory in the moment by noticing as many details, emotions and sensations as you can while you’re experiencing something. Make a compliments jar Every time someone gives you a compliment, jot it down on a piece of paper and pop it in a jar.

‘You could also write down qualities you like about yourself, or ask a loved one what they value in you,’ says Dr Arroll. ‘Think about minor achievements, too – finishing a piece of work, tackling a difficult conversation.’

When you’re having a tough day, close your eyes and grab a compliment to brighten your mood and build your confidence.

Go to your happy place

Picture in your mind a place that represents beauty and peace. Experience everything you can about this place (the colours, sounds, and smells), and enjoy the tranquillity it brings you.

Choose a word that you associate with this safe place – maybe ‘calm’ or ‘joy’ or ‘peace’, or something else of your choice. Say the word out loud a few times. Finally, tap each thigh alternately with your hands in a slow rhythm for about 20–30 seconds.

‘This is a technique called bilateral stimulation,’ says Owen O’Kane. ‘Your imagination has gone to a calm place and your chosen word reinforces that. The act of tapping is a further physical reinforcer, which sends a message to your brain that you don’t need to be in “threat mode” anymore. The tapping rhythm creates a sense of ease and facilitates the grounded feeling.’

Scroll through your senses

‘When you focus your attention on something real and in the moment, it brings you out of the thoughts that are spinning through your head when you’re overwhelmed,’ says Treanor.

To do this, scroll through your senses by naming (out loud or silently to yourself) one thing you can see, one thing you can hear, and one thing you can touch, feel, and taste. Do this again and keep scrolling through your senses, naming one thing at a time.”