Rah-rah self-esteem boosts are falling out of fashion. What's in: self-compassion - a more stable, sustainable way to feel confident. And it's a skill you can learn, practise and master!
On the long list of wants in life - to be healthy, happy, fulfilled - feeling really, truly good about yourself likely takes a top spot for many people. And that comes with building confidence, which usually means improving your self-esteem - an internal judgement of your self-worth or "an evaluation of worthiness," says Dr Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas.
Say you're falling behind on your marathon-training plan and angry with yourself about it. You might think, I'll try harder because I feel inadequate. In the short term, that may work, but in the long run? Nope. When you get down on yourself, you mind up doubting yourself, which makes it harder to take risks, learn and grow. You become afraid of failure, and you're more likely to give up than to try again.
An alternate way to a more assertive you: self-compassion, which involves showing yourself kindness when you're struggling, failing or noticing something you don't love about yourself. Self-compassion isn't about measuring up to expectations; it's a way of relating to yourself as a human. By caring and expressing concern for yourself during hard times, you're able to persevere and create changes.
Well, yes, feels kind of obvious, right? Let's go back to the training scenario to paint the picture a little more clearly: With self-compassion, you'll think, I'm going to try because I care about myself and I don't want to suffer. That kind of motivation "leads to more self-confidence," says Dr Neff. When you can sit with your pain and think through what you might need to achieve your goal - like waking up earlier for runs or scheduling them on your phone calendar - instead of spiraling over all the ways you're failing, you'll overcome challenges, building confidence and belief in yourself as you go. It's a subtle change in reaction, but it makes a huge difference. "Self-compassion gives you a stable source of self-confidence, as opposed to a sugar high," says Dr Neff.
We tend to think of self-compassion as passive, even unproductive ("If I'm easy on myself, I'll become complacent"). But that could not be further from the truth. There are two sides to self-compassion says Dr Neff. The tender side embodies the idea that although you are innately flawed, you are still worthy. And the fierce side says if you truly care about yourself, you accept yourself but don't accept all of your behaviours, especially harmful ones. "Part of caring for yourself means taking active steps to change," says Dr Neff. That's where the power of self-compassion comes in.
But none of this is easy. We tend to be waaay nicer to others than we are to ourselves - and we're quick to judge our shortcomings and failures. The good news is this is a trainable skill. "It's a muscle you can build," says Dr Neff.
These three methods create a deeper understanding of self-compassion and will help you feel your best today and for years to come. Motivation, a better mood, and, yep, allll the feel-good feelings, right this way...
1. Ask yourself: What do I need?
This is the question that guides the whole self-compassion cultivation agenda, says Dr Germer. Say you missed a deadline and are being hard on yourself about it. Instead of spiraling into negative self-talk, figure out what you need - a few more hours of childcare, writing daily to-do lists - to problem-solve. This inquiry (part of the fierce side of self-compassion) provides resources and tools for change, eventually generating self-confidence as you're able to learn and grow.
2. Put a hand on your heart
Touching your heart or your cheek "is probably the most widely used, simple and physiologically transformative experience toward self-compassion," says Dr Germer. (You're likely already doing it - when you receive bad news, you may instinctively put your hand on your heart!) This lowers cortisol levels, according to German research. Also, when you rub your chest, specifically, you may activate your vagus nerve, the main nerve of your parasympathetic (or "rest and digest") system, says Dr Germer.
3. Figure out when you just "don't" have it in you
Pinpoint times when you lack self-compassion, says Dr Pooja Lakshmin, author of Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness. Do you get in your head when you see an email from a certain colleague, or does negative self-talk bubble up every time you and your partner fight? Homing in on self-kindness in these moments can push you toward the type of change you're looking for.
The way you talk to yourself can fuel compassion, but acing positive self-talk is not simply telling yourself, "Everything's great!" How to change your tune:
Notice the negativity
An easy way to cultivate a little TLC toward yourself is to practise a meditation tailored by Dr Neff for this purpose: Focus on the mistakes or flaws that have been bothering you lately, then find where the emotions about them tend to end up in your body, like tightness in your jaw or tension in your shoulders. Allow those feelings to sit in your body instead of resisting or rejecting them. This lets you get in touch with the suffering caused by your criticisms or the belief you have to be perfect.
Make a wish
Dr Germer favours the use of wishes over positive self-statements (like "I'm getting stronger!") Wishes, such as "May I accept every part of me," are like "surrounding yourself with sacred company rather than the nasty chatter in our own minds," he says. Plus, they encourage growth.
Replace the word "should"
Ever find yourself "should-ing" all over yourself? (Ugh, I should have done this earlier.) It's a common form of self-criticism, one that's not exactly self-compassionate, says Dr Lakshmin. Try subbing for your shoulds anything that fosters curiosity (Could I have chosen to do X instead? Or: I wonder what held me back most this week?) Curiosity is kinder and more productive than should-ing, she says.
